About My Tendency To Disappear

Oh I know I neglect my blog, sorry about that. I should probably post more often but the truth is that whenever I think about writing a post it feels like something I have to do. For some reason I feel like I set a specific tone in this blog and know I’m kinda trapped in it.

With this I mean that I became very self-demanding (as usual) and started caring too much about making good quality posts, so whenever I wanted to write something “lighter” or maybe a little more personal I started having this “it won’t be good enough feeling”.

I had been writing very elaborate posts, and I actually feel very good about them. There was also a good amount of work behind them (also English isn’t my first language so I keep debating if what I wrote makes sense or not). I felt like I had to keep publishing stuff like that, when sometimes all I really wanted to do was to vent, or communicating silly things. It was like this blog wasn’t mine anymore you know, like I had committed to a job that I loved but became a little overwhelming.

Don’t get me wrong though, I DO love posting about eating disorders and mental health, and whenever someone tells me my posts have helped them I feel very fullfilled. I’ve learned that making a problem visible is really helpful, especially when we’re talking about an eating disorder that’s been hidden under the carpet (and minimized) for so long.

It’s just that falling into the mindset of trying to please everybody, or trying to “be enough” is just too easy for me.

But I’m trying really, really hard not to be so self-demanding. I’m learning that I’m not in control of everything, that being who I am is ok, that some days I’m just not going to check every item on my to do list. I’m learning that I have needs too, and that it’s absolutely valid for me to let people know what I need and want.

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So, moving on to another topic… I’ve been doing really well on my recovery lately. I’m happy to say that I haven’t had a major binge since June, although I have had some overeating episodes. I’m not doing perfectly though, when it comes to how I’m eating right now, I was probably doing “better” last year (AKA “healthier”).

But the one thing I’m really proud of is that I’m absolutely off my meds. I’m not taking any kind of antidepressant right now, nor any kind of drug that makes it a bit easier to recover.

I swear, I used to be absolutely and completely convinced that I would never be able to recover without my meds. I used to think that I just “didn’t have in me” to recover without chemical help. But here I am today, and now I see how wrong I was.

(I’m not saying that I’m recovered though, but I have come very far in spite of not being medicated)

I also see that I’m not even that special, anyone do this! And there’s not one correct way to recover! There are many ways! It’s just about finding what works for you and sticking to it. I am a firm believer in neuroplasticity (in very simple words: the ability our brains have to change). So we have to keep trying until we find our path, and then: REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT 😉

I will be writing a post about how I’m dealing with my eating disorder without medication, and about the tools that have helped me the most in this new stage of my recovery. I will probably post more often, and about different things (recipes, personal stuff, etc)… So let’s see how that works out.

(As I type this I’m feeling HUGE anxiety about this post not being good enough, but you know what? I’m publishing it anyways.)

Sending all the good vibes,

Pol

A New Try

So… I could come here preaching about how I’ve found my way back into recovery and how I have so clear on my mind what to do to stop bingeing.

I could just say “I’ve been through a rough time lately but now I’m doing good!”. But what would be the point of it?

The truth is that I relapsed badly, I started bingeing again almost like I used to and thanks to an injury I’ve had to stop working out so it’s been getting harder for me to deal with my stress.

Well I don’t remember if I mentioned this before but I was trying to apply to medical school… And I got rejected. So you can tell I’ve been pretty successful lately.

I guess I needed a break from blogging, social media and even a break from recovery. A break from trying too hard. I’ve been feeling like I was trying too hard to be an “example” of what recovery is, just trying too badly to do everything well. Typical me.

And in the end there are a lot of ways to recover, there really isn’t one failproof way that’s going to fix every eating disorder in the world. Not at all.

At first I just stopped my therapy and taking my meds, eventually I started overeating and then bingeing again. A part of me thought that maybe this time I could do it on my own, the other part was just rebelling (I think). I was probably using food to hide my frustration at not being accepted into med school, at having to decide between studying a career I didn’t like or having to prepare the stupid test for a whole other year.

I managed to accept that I couldn’t do it on my own. Yes, a lot of people have overcome BED on their own by reading books, meditating, or by eating intuitively. But that’s not me, what really works for me is therapy and a flexible meal plan that gives me structure. So I’m going to try that again but without meds this time.

I’m sorry I’ve been neglecting my blog and instagram, I can’t really promise that I will posten more often. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. I just want to stop trying to be so perfect and start trying to be more human, or well, more like myself.

I hope you’re doing well 🙂

Pol

Guess Who Won’t Be Able To Walk Tomorrow!

Soooo… I said in a few posts on my instagram (and on my last post here too) that I was  joining a gym. I had planned do this for a long time but never really came to take the decision until about a week ago. Since this is something you actually have to pay for -and it’s not cheap- in the moment I signed the contract I knew I should use this membership the most I could. So that’s what I’m trying to do.

(I need to say that this is my first serious attempt to get strong in my life, so I was -and still am- pretty clueless in the gym).

I first had an appointment with one of the instructors. He weighed me, took some measures and then asked me what my goals were. The truth is that I had no concrete goals like “I want to have a flat stomach” or “I want to lose weight”, so I just said I wanted to get fitter and stronger than I am today because I may be on a healthy weight but I’m out shape. I also really want to have better energy levels and sleep better. I am the person who falls asleep on the afternoon and then has a hard time closing her eyes at night, if you’re like me then you know #thestruggleisreal.

Before they gave me my own routine I used the elliptical -a very fancy one by the way- which was alright -with alright I mean that I was able to do a workout without losing my patience while using that machine-.

I was very happy when they taught me how to do my strenght training exercises. It was something I had never done before with proper orientation and for some reason I just enjoy it, it’s not just the good feeling you get after exercising, I actually liked the training itself.

My routine (leg extensions, upper back exercises, some abs exercises with a fitball and other things) is a little short because I’m just startint, but the good thing is that it’s hard enough for me to feel like I’m working, but it’s also easy enough for me so it doesn’t feel like a punishment.

My instructor also told me I could switch the routine for a TRX class if I didn’t feel like doing the same thing some days, and that I can switch the cardio (mostly elliptical) for a class if I want to. Now I clearly see that I’m not a cardio person, unless it involves dancing, but I will still try the classes my gym has because, why not? (Also because I’m paying but let’s forget I just said that).

 

Anecdotes, or something:

– After my first day at the gym I went to the dressing room to take a shower and change my clothes and well, all I’m going to say is that I wasn’t prepared for all that information *laughing emoji*. Leavin the surprise aside, I really liked that most of the people who go to my gym don’t go hiding their bodies. It’s great seeing self-acceptance and how they don’t care at all about how you look.

– The other day I went to an aquaerobics class, I thought I wouldn’t need anything special so I just went wearing my new bikini (I know, I know). This was a rookie mistake, I was worried all the time about my, um, boobs, because all they wanted to do was to escape from all the opression during the exercise. Lesson learned, next time I’ll wear a sportive bathing suit (I actually bought one today, so problem solved).

– Remember I wrote a post some time ago saying that I went to a TRX class and enjoyed it? Well I went to another TRX class today and it kicked my butt to the point that after the class my legs felt like jelly and walking to my house (which is about three blocks away from the gym) was really difficult. The good thing is that I will get stronger!

 

So that’s it for today, another happy post with no mention of my ED 🙂 I’ll keep telling how my fitness adventure goes and I’ll post some pictures of myself wearing my gym costumes (it’s an obligation, isn’t it?).

Pol

 

 

(Mostly) Irrelevant Things That Made Me Happy This Weekend

I’m really into long titles for my posts lately… Hmmm…

Hi there! So today I’m writing a post for the sole purpose of writing. Exciting, right?

I’m in a very good mood after this weekend because of -mostly- irrelevant things that made happy.

After a long time of doubts, I finally joined a gym yesterday. And I’m really excited about starting! I will have an appointment with one of the instructors tomorrow, they’ll evaluate me and create a personalized routine for me. Since my goal is to get stronger I hope they put lifts and/or strenght exercises there (besides, those are the ones I enjoy the most).

I had been delaying this for such a long time. I’m happy that at last I’m going to make a real change with my sedentarism.

One of the things I really liked about this gym is that one of the goals they have is making people understand that diets are uneffective and that the best way to go is living a healthy lifestyle (now that’s what they say, I really hope the instructors follow those headlines, I’ll see tomorrow). So, I’ll be telling how it goes!

 

Irrelevant things that made me happy this weekend:

– I bought a new bikini that fits me very well and makes me feel comfortable (I’m not very used to feeling well on a bikini, so it’s a win).

– I kept experimenting with my muffins’ “recipe” and made some dark chocolate banana muffins that tasted reeaally good and satisfied my demading sweet tooth.

– My bedroom is very small and it used to look too-full-of-furniture. Today I moved my bed and night table and the way the room looked changed drastically, it gives the illusion that there’s more space than there actually is. And it makes me irrationally happy.

– I also put my shoes in their order (they are usually messy in my closet), I will now be able to find my sneakers without having to dig in a pile of other shoes *insert laughing emoji here*.

The said bikini

 

Well, that’s mostly it. I guess I’m just feeling pretty optimistic about things right now, and that’s good. It’s nice being able to see that it is possible to overcome a relapse and that it really doesn’t erase the progress we make.

(I actually wrote a whole post without any mention to binge urges!)

Pol

My First Christmas Being In Recovery

 

So… Right now it’s 4:09 AM in Chile, and I’m inspired. And for good or bad, when I’m inspired I just HAVE to do what I have in mind, which right now is writing.

This season is a hard one for people with eating disorders. Facing a celebration that focuses so much on food can be pretty challenging, wether you are fighting not to restrict, not to binge, or not to fall into any compulsive behaviors. These celebrations put us on uncomfortable positions as they involve a lot of food and social meetings.

I remember when I was a child eating wasn’t a struggle. By then Christmas was magic for me, I enjoyed every moment. My family and I are not religious but we always celebrate it anyways. Those days when eating intuitively was something natural for me are now long gone.

In the last few years, the magic of Christmas was clouded by my eating disorder. I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy the celebrations at all, but I was constantly worried about eating too little and to being able to try everything there was in the table, or about bingeing, or about wanting to restrict without anyone noticing. Worrying about food was one of the most important things during the season. Let’s say it was a radio I couldn’t stop obeying.

Enjoying more my social life was one of the things that motivated me to start recovering, and I always knew that these kind of celebrations would be like ‘tests’ of how strong the ED still was in me.

I can say that last night, christmas eve, was a very nice night. I met with my family, we had dinner and then we exchanged presents. I enjoyed it all fully, but if I said there weren’t difficult moments I would be lying.

Let’s go back to the bad radio metaphor. This time the ED transmission had a lower volume, but it was still there, only that I consciously didn’t fight it back. I just chose to do whatever the hell I wanted to do, in spite of what my ED told me. 

So I enjoyed the celebration a lot, and most of the time I didn’t worry about food, I enjoyed the company of my family (and my two adorable nephews) and whenever an ED thought came to my mind, I just didn’t obey. Since this is what I usually do to fight my urges to binge/restrict/whatever compulsive behavior comes to my mind, it wasn’t very difficult. The ED thoughts ended up fading away. 

At last Christmas wasn’t clouded by my eating disorder.

No, I’m not completely recovered. But in these eight months I’ve been recovering, my quality of life has improved drastically. I’m really happy I can look back and see how much things have changed for me, how better I am. Sometimes is easy to forget the progress I’ve made. Sometimes I feel like I’m still very disordered and things are getting better too slowly, but the truth is that looking at the bigger picture I’m doing really well, and the way I felt yesterday proved it.

What else can I say? I wouldn’t really be enjoying my life as I am doing right now if it weren’t for my decision to recover. I wouldn’t be able to see the things I’m seeing now. I wouldn’t be able to see past the calories, past the body shapes or past the eating habits of me and the people surrounding me. And I wouldn’t be able to see myself at all.

Maybe I still see myself a little distorted, but at least I can now see myself. I can see who I am. And believe me, it feels really good.

I hope you are all enjoying your holidays ♡ and remember, if you aren’t, it’s ok. You don’t have to fake anything, just take care of yourself and try to be as comfortable as possible. Things will get better.

Pol

and I received a BB-8 plushie!! ❤