A New Try

So… I could come here preaching about how I’ve found my way back into recovery and how I have so clear on my mind what to do to stop bingeing.

I could just say “I’ve been through a rough time lately but now I’m doing good!”. But what would be the point of it?

The truth is that I relapsed badly, I started bingeing again almost like I used to and thanks to an injury I’ve had to stop working out so it’s been getting harder for me to deal with my stress.

Well I don’t remember if I mentioned this before but I was trying to apply to medical school… And I got rejected. So you can tell I’ve been pretty successful lately.

I guess I needed a break from blogging, social media and even a break from recovery. A break from trying too hard. I’ve been feeling like I was trying too hard to be an “example” of what recovery is, just trying too badly to do everything well. Typical me.

And in the end there are a lot of ways to recover, there really isn’t one failproof way that’s going to fix every eating disorder in the world. Not at all.

At first I just stopped my therapy and taking my meds, eventually I started overeating and then bingeing again. A part of me thought that maybe this time I could do it on my own, the other part was just rebelling (I think). I was probably using food to hide my frustration at not being accepted into med school, at having to decide between studying a career I didn’t like or having to prepare the stupid test for a whole other year.

I managed to accept that I couldn’t do it on my own. Yes, a lot of people have overcome BED on their own by reading books, meditating, or by eating intuitively. But that’s not me, what really works for me is therapy and a flexible meal plan that gives me structure. So I’m going to try that again but without meds this time.

I’m sorry I’ve been neglecting my blog and instagram, I can’t really promise that I will posten more often. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. I just want to stop trying to be so perfect and start trying to be more human, or well, more like myself.

I hope you’re doing well 🙂

Pol

Guess Who Won’t Be Able To Walk Tomorrow!

Soooo… I said in a few posts on my instagram (and on my last post here too) that I was  joining a gym. I had planned do this for a long time but never really came to take the decision until about a week ago. Since this is something you actually have to pay for -and it’s not cheap- in the moment I signed the contract I knew I should use this membership the most I could. So that’s what I’m trying to do.

(I need to say that this is my first serious attempt to get strong in my life, so I was -and still am- pretty clueless in the gym).

I first had an appointment with one of the instructors. He weighed me, took some measures and then asked me what my goals were. The truth is that I had no concrete goals like “I want to have a flat stomach” or “I want to lose weight”, so I just said I wanted to get fitter and stronger than I am today because I may be on a healthy weight but I’m out shape. I also really want to have better energy levels and sleep better. I am the person who falls asleep on the afternoon and then has a hard time closing her eyes at night, if you’re like me then you know #thestruggleisreal.

Before they gave me my own routine I used the elliptical -a very fancy one by the way- which was alright -with alright I mean that I was able to do a workout without losing my patience while using that machine-.

I was very happy when they taught me how to do my strenght training exercises. It was something I had never done before with proper orientation and for some reason I just enjoy it, it’s not just the good feeling you get after exercising, I actually liked the training itself.

My routine (leg extensions, upper back exercises, some abs exercises with a fitball and other things) is a little short because I’m just startint, but the good thing is that it’s hard enough for me to feel like I’m working, but it’s also easy enough for me so it doesn’t feel like a punishment.

My instructor also told me I could switch the routine for a TRX class if I didn’t feel like doing the same thing some days, and that I can switch the cardio (mostly elliptical) for a class if I want to. Now I clearly see that I’m not a cardio person, unless it involves dancing, but I will still try the classes my gym has because, why not? (Also because I’m paying but let’s forget I just said that).

 

Anecdotes, or something:

– After my first day at the gym I went to the dressing room to take a shower and change my clothes and well, all I’m going to say is that I wasn’t prepared for all that information *laughing emoji*. Leavin the surprise aside, I really liked that most of the people who go to my gym don’t go hiding their bodies. It’s great seeing self-acceptance and how they don’t care at all about how you look.

– The other day I went to an aquaerobics class, I thought I wouldn’t need anything special so I just went wearing my new bikini (I know, I know). This was a rookie mistake, I was worried all the time about my, um, boobs, because all they wanted to do was to escape from all the opression during the exercise. Lesson learned, next time I’ll wear a sportive bathing suit (I actually bought one today, so problem solved).

– Remember I wrote a post some time ago saying that I went to a TRX class and enjoyed it? Well I went to another TRX class today and it kicked my butt to the point that after the class my legs felt like jelly and walking to my house (which is about three blocks away from the gym) was really difficult. The good thing is that I will get stronger!

 

So that’s it for today, another happy post with no mention of my ED 🙂 I’ll keep telling how my fitness adventure goes and I’ll post some pictures of myself wearing my gym costumes (it’s an obligation, isn’t it?).

Pol

 

 

(Mostly) Irrelevant Things That Made Me Happy This Weekend

I’m really into long titles for my posts lately… Hmmm…

Hi there! So today I’m writing a post for the sole purpose of writing. Exciting, right?

I’m in a very good mood after this weekend because of -mostly- irrelevant things that made happy.

After a long time of doubts, I finally joined a gym yesterday. And I’m really excited about starting! I will have an appointment with one of the instructors tomorrow, they’ll evaluate me and create a personalized routine for me. Since my goal is to get stronger I hope they put lifts and/or strenght exercises there (besides, those are the ones I enjoy the most).

I had been delaying this for such a long time. I’m happy that at last I’m going to make a real change with my sedentarism.

One of the things I really liked about this gym is that one of the goals they have is making people understand that diets are uneffective and that the best way to go is living a healthy lifestyle (now that’s what they say, I really hope the instructors follow those headlines, I’ll see tomorrow). So, I’ll be telling how it goes!

 

Irrelevant things that made me happy this weekend:

– I bought a new bikini that fits me very well and makes me feel comfortable (I’m not very used to feeling well on a bikini, so it’s a win).

– I kept experimenting with my muffins’ “recipe” and made some dark chocolate banana muffins that tasted reeaally good and satisfied my demading sweet tooth.

– My bedroom is very small and it used to look too-full-of-furniture. Today I moved my bed and night table and the way the room looked changed drastically, it gives the illusion that there’s more space than there actually is. And it makes me irrationally happy.

– I also put my shoes in their order (they are usually messy in my closet), I will now be able to find my sneakers without having to dig in a pile of other shoes *insert laughing emoji here*.

The said bikini

 

Well, that’s mostly it. I guess I’m just feeling pretty optimistic about things right now, and that’s good. It’s nice being able to see that it is possible to overcome a relapse and that it really doesn’t erase the progress we make.

(I actually wrote a whole post without any mention to binge urges!)

Pol

A Call? – My Experience In A TRX Class

So. I’ve never really had a good relationship with exercise.

When I was a teenager I hated sports or being active, I dreaded gymnastics at school for many reasons. I was so out of shape that I couldn’t complete the routines our teacher gave us and I hated having to wear tighter clothes that showed my body. I felt ashamed all the time.

Later on as I had my first encounter with pro-ana pages I figured that being active was something mandatory in order to be skinny. So it became something I had to do, but not necessarily enjoy. It was some sort of punishment for my compulsive eating. Still I was never constant with it, it never became an obsession for me, no even a habit (or a bad one).

For many years it was the class I hated and even avoided sometimes, or now and then, the class in which I’d put everything I had just to burn some calories. It wasn’t until some short time ago that I finally managed to exercise because it was something that made me feel good. I finally started learning to enjoy sports. But even though I did get to that point, I still wasn’t doing it regularly.

This is the thing. Since being recovering I’ve never wanted to force myself into doing something I don’t really feel like doing, I don’t want to go to a gym only to get fit or to lose weight because I feel it could be dangerous for me. There’s people who can do it, but since I have a history of disordered eating and problems with body image I just didn’t want to risk it. I felt like it was pointless to fight against one obsession to fall into another.

During my vacations I stayed in a hotel that included some activities and gym classes. So my boyfriend and I decided we would give them a try (I mean, they were included in the price, how weren’t we going to?). There was this TRX thing that called our attention, we did a quick google search and just went for it.

 

TRX straps

 

So… What Is TRX?

“TRX is a full-body strength workout that utilizes a person’s own body weight instead of relying on machines or dumbbells”.

It uses stripes to get a full-body suspension training that helps building muscle combining cardio and strength training.

You can read about it here.

I have to say that the class was… intense. We had a good trainer that pushed us to give our best. I wasn’t really expecting such a tough workout, but the truth is that I found it fun. There was something dynamic in trying to find balance while using the straps. It wasn’t something monotonous.

Time passed quickly as we followed (in quite some pain) our trainer’s instructions. I was very surprised to find I had done the whole workout when it ended. While I do jog now and then and maintain a pretty active lifestyle I don’t consider myself a fit person, so I felt pretty good after finishing.

I am the kind of person who gets bored with gym machines. I get quickly tired when running on the treadmill or when using the elliptical. Also exercising by myself is not something really motivating because I don’t know new, entertaining exercises. So if you are like me, and you get bored doing the same things over and over, this may be for you.

I enjoyed the sensation of working out like this so much that right now I really feel like joining a gym. I want to become stronger, I want to honor my body by exercising. I’m feeling a call to become fitter (that sounds cheesy  but whatever).

But seriously, for the first time I don’t want to do this to lose weight or to look better but to feel better and be healthier. This is the first time that I’m feeling this as something new and healthy I want to try and I believe that’s a new step forward in this journey.

So I’ll be sharing my experience in this new world for me which is… going to a gym. I’ve never really done that before so let’s see how it suits me!

Pol