About three weeks ago my psychiatrist and I decided I could stop taking topiramate, a drug that helps people to fight compulsive behaviors ( including binge eating).
I was doing great by then, I had almost no binge urges at all, I felt like my relationship with food was finally becoming a healthy one, like I was almost recovered. I felt strong.
But since I stopped taking the drug, things had been harder. I’ve found myself trying to eat more than usual and using food to soothe my emotions. I even thought that I was having binge urges again.
The truth is that I didn’t expect this to happen and I’ve felt pretty disappointed at myself, like I was almost done and that I had to start from zero (though I know it’s not true). About a month ago I felt like I could never really relapse. And for the past few weeks I’ve felt like I could binge or restrict on any moment. But this never meant that I had to give up, and keeping that in mind has been really important.
The truth is that (thankfully) I haven’t really binged or restricted. But I’ve been very anxious about this situation and I was scared that food could start being a problem again. Fighting restricting and bingeing urges is hard, and now that I’ve been in treatment for eight months already I can tell for sure that after the initial enthusiasm I had, striving to be healthy, body and especially mind is what has kept me going for this long, and what keeps giving me the energy to carry on.
So after a session with my dietitian and psychologist (they both are awesome, I know they don’t read here but I just can’t not use this chance to say it) I got to a conclusion. I may be actually making this problem bigger in my mind than it really is (and to be honest that’s something I tend to do).
Maybe I have been getting too scared of wanting an extra piece of chocolate or about those times when I just really don’t want to keep eating because I already feel satisfied or full.
I’ve figured out that since I’ve been crash-dieting and bingeing for so long, eating like a normal person is freaking me out, because I just don’t know how to do it yet.
For the past few months I had been following a flexible and non-restrictive meal plan that my nutritionist gave me, and I felt under control because of it, it became my safe zone. But the truth is that people who have a healthy relationship with food just don’t really go following a meal plan permanently. Since I want to be able to respect my body and it’s hunger cues I’ve slowly stopped following the plan (this doesn’t mean I don’t have regular meals, it just means I’m being way more flexible about the things and amount of things I’m eating). So after being so under control with what I ate and what not, listening to what my body craves is being difficult.
Yes, having stopped to take the drug has made me crave more calorie-dense food. But it doesn’t mean that without it I’m going to binge like I used to.
Also facing this has made me realize how really important is to keep trying, even when we don’t feel like we’re making progress because in the end we discover that we actually were moving forward, we were learning even when it didn’t seem so.
And I can even say that the little victories we achieve when we feel everything is against us are the most important ones, because they remind us how capable we are. And if we feel like we’re having a setback, we’re not losing all we’ve done until now. We’re just learning a new lesson. But it never means that we have to stop trying. There are ups and downs in life, there also are going to be ups and downs in recovery.
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I hope you enjoyed this post. Now that I finally took the test that was haunting me, I’ll try to write more often.
I hope you’re all doing fine, and wherever you are, whoever you are, don’t forget that you’re amazing, you can do this!
Pol
Pol Is Live ! 