So… Right now it’s 4:09 AM in Chile, and I’m inspired. And for good or bad, when I’m inspired I just HAVE to do what I have in mind, which right now is writing.
This season is a hard one for people with eating disorders. Facing a celebration that focuses so much on food can be pretty challenging, wether you are fighting not to restrict, not to binge, or not to fall into any compulsive behaviors. These celebrations put us on uncomfortable positions as they involve a lot of food and social meetings.
I remember when I was a child eating wasn’t a struggle. By then Christmas was magic for me, I enjoyed every moment. My family and I are not religious but we always celebrate it anyways. Those days when eating intuitively was something natural for me are now long gone.
In the last few years, the magic of Christmas was clouded by my eating disorder. I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy the celebrations at all, but I was constantly worried about eating too little and to being able to try everything there was in the table, or about bingeing, or about wanting to restrict without anyone noticing. Worrying about food was one of the most important things during the season. Let’s say it was a radio I couldn’t stop obeying.
Enjoying more my social life was one of the things that motivated me to start recovering, and I always knew that these kind of celebrations would be like ‘tests’ of how strong the ED still was in me.
I can say that last night, christmas eve, was a very nice night. I met with my family, we had dinner and then we exchanged presents. I enjoyed it all fully, but if I said there weren’t difficult moments I would be lying.
Let’s go back to the bad radio metaphor. This time the ED transmission had a lower volume, but it was still there, only that I consciously didn’t fight it back. I just chose to do whatever the hell I wanted to do, in spite of what my ED told me.
So I enjoyed the celebration a lot, and most of the time I didn’t worry about food, I enjoyed the company of my family (and my two adorable nephews) and whenever an ED thought came to my mind, I just didn’t obey. Since this is what I usually do to fight my urges to binge/restrict/whatever compulsive behavior comes to my mind, it wasn’t very difficult. The ED thoughts ended up fading away.
At last Christmas wasn’t clouded by my eating disorder.
No, I’m not completely recovered. But in these eight months I’ve been recovering, my quality of life has improved drastically. I’m really happy I can look back and see how much things have changed for me, how better I am. Sometimes is easy to forget the progress I’ve made. Sometimes I feel like I’m still very disordered and things are getting better too slowly, but the truth is that looking at the bigger picture I’m doing really well, and the way I felt yesterday proved it.
What else can I say? I wouldn’t really be enjoying my life as I am doing right now if it weren’t for my decision to recover. I wouldn’t be able to see the things I’m seeing now. I wouldn’t be able to see past the calories, past the body shapes or past the eating habits of me and the people surrounding me. And I wouldn’t be able to see myself at all.
Maybe I still see myself a little distorted, but at least I can now see myself. I can see who I am. And believe me, it feels really good.
I hope you are all enjoying your holidays ♡ and remember, if you aren’t, it’s ok. You don’t have to fake anything, just take care of yourself and try to be as comfortable as possible. Things will get better.
Pol
and I received a BB-8 plushie!! ❤
Pol Is Live ! 