A New Try

So… I could come here preaching about how I’ve found my way back into recovery and how I have so clear on my mind what to do to stop bingeing.

I could just say “I’ve been through a rough time lately but now I’m doing good!”. But what would be the point of it?

The truth is that I relapsed badly, I started bingeing again almost like I used to and thanks to an injury I’ve had to stop working out so it’s been getting harder for me to deal with my stress.

Well I don’t remember if I mentioned this before but I was trying to apply to medical school… And I got rejected. So you can tell I’ve been pretty successful lately.

I guess I needed a break from blogging, social media and even a break from recovery. A break from trying too hard. I’ve been feeling like I was trying too hard to be an “example” of what recovery is, just trying too badly to do everything well. Typical me.

And in the end there are a lot of ways to recover, there really isn’t one failproof way that’s going to fix every eating disorder in the world. Not at all.

At first I just stopped my therapy and taking my meds, eventually I started overeating and then bingeing again. A part of me thought that maybe this time I could do it on my own, the other part was just rebelling (I think). I was probably using food to hide my frustration at not being accepted into med school, at having to decide between studying a career I didn’t like or having to prepare the stupid test for a whole other year.

I managed to accept that I couldn’t do it on my own. Yes, a lot of people have overcome BED on their own by reading books, meditating, or by eating intuitively. But that’s not me, what really works for me is therapy and a flexible meal plan that gives me structure. So I’m going to try that again but without meds this time.

I’m sorry I’ve been neglecting my blog and instagram, I can’t really promise that I will posten more often. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. I just want to stop trying to be so perfect and start trying to be more human, or well, more like myself.

I hope you’re doing well 🙂

Pol

Not-So-Nice-January

Hi guys! I know I’ve been awfully missing in action lately, and I don’t really have a reason for it. I guess it’s really hard for to me accept when I’m not doing well, it’s way easier (and nicer) talking when I’m doing well, but I’ve figured it’s time for me to admit my mistakes and talk about them.

Let’s say that January wasn’t very kind with me. First because I received the results of my application to university, and even when everything seemed to indicate I was going to be accepted at medical school… I was not. I admit that it was very painful to get those results, it was hard understanding that I won’t be able to start studying what I wanted to this year and that I will have to try again. For now I’ll be studying nursery and I’ll try to be admitted to med school again. Also, a few week ago I was robbed for the first time, thankfully, nothing serious happened to me but it still sucked. The feeling of insecurity after having your things stolen from you is not nice.

And about my eating things haven’t been going well. Saying this is really hard for me but from the start I promised to myself I would be honest on this blog. I relapsed.

There were moments during my recovery that I felt like I was never going to relapse, sometimes I felt like I had beaten binge eating for good and that it was never coming back to me. I thought I would have to work really hard for some time and that after doing it I would never have to worry again (naive, I know). And as you can guess, I was wrong.

But deep inside, I feared a relapse more than anything because I thought it would mean I’d lose all my progress and that I’d have to start form zero, or worse, that maybe I could never get back on track again (black and white thinking again?).

I expected hard days, I expected my weight to fluctuate (like it does in “normal” people), but I didn’t expect to binge again, not after having to face even restriction urges.

Now looking back, I can tell that it was actually something really likely to happen. Compulsive overeating had been present for so long in my life that it couldn’t really be that easy to stop doing it.

I was doing very well again, having almost no binge urges, eating mostly healthily. But then I went on vacations. By then I took the decision that I would start trying to eat intuitively, I felt ready. It was something I  thought I had to do. But I rushed it. My “mindful eating” slowly started turning to over-indulging more often than before. I didn’t really notice (or didn’t want to) until one night I wanted to eat chocolate and couldn’t stop after the first one, so I had another, and another, and another until I “woke up” and figured that I had lost control. I couldn’t really stop because I didn’t see it coming, but the signs had been there for a while. Self-sabbotage is a hard thing to beat for me.

After that I had a couple of weeks of over-indulging and about two days ago a big binge.

What I can see now is that I wasn’t ready to start eating intuitively by then. I still think it is the best way to go, or the way I’d love to eat. But for the time being, I’ll stick to a flexible meal plan and I’ll just see how it goes. It may not be the best thing, but it gives me the structure I need not to lose control and the flexibility I need not to get bored. I will also start working more on my daily meals, I’ll try to cook nice and healthy things so I can keep my cravings at bay.

I’ll see how it goes, maybe I’ll flexibilize certain aspects of my eating on the go as I was doing some months ago. But slowly.

I may or may not be prepared in the future to eat intuitively, but I just won’t worry about it anymore. I’ll do what I know works for me right now. I’ll try to stop focusing on food as much as I can too, I want to start unattaching my identity with my eating disorder. I believe that’s going to help me at this point. I need to work on my self-esteem and “sticking” to my ED is not going to help.

I’m going to enjoy my life with or without an eating disorder.

 

Pol