About My Tendency To Disappear

Oh I know I neglect my blog, sorry about that. I should probably post more often but the truth is that whenever I think about writing a post it feels like something I have to do. For some reason I feel like I set a specific tone in this blog and know I’m kinda trapped in it.

With this I mean that I became very self-demanding (as usual) and started caring too much about making good quality posts, so whenever I wanted to write something “lighter” or maybe a little more personal I started having this “it won’t be good enough feeling”.

I had been writing very elaborate posts, and I actually feel very good about them. There was also a good amount of work behind them (also English isn’t my first language so I keep debating if what I wrote makes sense or not). I felt like I had to keep publishing stuff like that, when sometimes all I really wanted to do was to vent, or communicating silly things. It was like this blog wasn’t mine anymore you know, like I had committed to a job that I loved but became a little overwhelming.

Don’t get me wrong though, I DO love posting about eating disorders and mental health, and whenever someone tells me my posts have helped them I feel very fullfilled. I’ve learned that making a problem visible is really helpful, especially when we’re talking about an eating disorder that’s been hidden under the carpet (and minimized) for so long.

It’s just that falling into the mindset of trying to please everybody, or trying to “be enough” is just too easy for me.

But I’m trying really, really hard not to be so self-demanding. I’m learning that I’m not in control of everything, that being who I am is ok, that some days I’m just not going to check every item on my to do list. I’m learning that I have needs too, and that it’s absolutely valid for me to let people know what I need and want.

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So, moving on to another topic… I’ve been doing really well on my recovery lately. I’m happy to say that I haven’t had a major binge since June, although I have had some overeating episodes. I’m not doing perfectly though, when it comes to how I’m eating right now, I was probably doing “better” last year (AKA “healthier”).

But the one thing I’m really proud of is that I’m absolutely off my meds. I’m not taking any kind of antidepressant right now, nor any kind of drug that makes it a bit easier to recover.

I swear, I used to be absolutely and completely convinced that I would never be able to recover without my meds. I used to think that I just “didn’t have in me” to recover without chemical help. But here I am today, and now I see how wrong I was.

(I’m not saying that I’m recovered though, but I have come very far in spite of not being medicated)

I also see that I’m not even that special, anyone do this! And there’s not one correct way to recover! There are many ways! It’s just about finding what works for you and sticking to it. I am a firm believer in neuroplasticity (in very simple words: the ability our brains have to change). So we have to keep trying until we find our path, and then: REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT 😉

I will be writing a post about how I’m dealing with my eating disorder without medication, and about the tools that have helped me the most in this new stage of my recovery. I will probably post more often, and about different things (recipes, personal stuff, etc)… So let’s see how that works out.

(As I type this I’m feeling HUGE anxiety about this post not being good enough, but you know what? I’m publishing it anyways.)

Sending all the good vibes,

Pol

What Doesn’t Work

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the things I’ve done to recover. The things that worked, the things that didn’t and those that helped me for some time. Until not so long ago I worried too much about finding the one correct way to recover, the one magic method that would save me.

I kept wondering what the real way out of an eating disorder was…

“Should I try following the Minnie Maud’s guidelines? Perhaps I should stick to a meal plan… No, I know I HAVE to go to therapy or I’ll never recover. You know, maybe I’m not even sick, I’ll pretend I don’t have an ED and it should all work out. What if I just have to tame my animal brain? Ok, I give up, I’ll take all the medication in the world. You know what? Fuck it. I’ll eat intuitively.”

Nowadays we have so much information available on the internetz that it gets confusing. You can find people swearing by one approach and even mocking others.

But apart from the “you have to do what works for you” cliché but I still think it’s true. I want to talk about what doesn’t work.

We know that a lot of things work, there are thousands of peoples’ stories out there about how they recovered through different methods (therapy, multidisciplinary treatments, meditation, intuitive eating, the “Brain Over Binge Method”, medication, etc). But there’s one thing I’m sure doesn’t work and it alarms me that so many people keep doing it.

Spoiler alert: it is trying to stop bingeing just to lose weight.

I know I keep sayin this over and over again, and I know too that it can be boring and even annoying to you. But keep reading, what I really mean is that you won’t get anything good from recovery if you’re only doing out of hate and anger.

Ok, chances are you’ve gained a lot of unwanted weight from binge eating and it sucks, I know, believe me, I’ve been there (many times, actually). But wanting to stop bingeing only to lose weight only adds stress, a sense of obligation and lots of pain.

The worst part of all this are the things we think (and the way they make us treat ourselves).

Do you ever feel like you have a bully in your head? I’ve found myself many times feeling like I have a Regina George in my head. Yeah, I know I could’ve found a better example, but stick with me.

Let’s say you just woke up, had a nice shower and are going to get dressed. You pick an outfit inspired on something you saw on the internet, but when you go to check how you look in the mirror you notice you’re telling yourself something like “You look ridiculous, c’mon you don’t have the body to wear this, people will laugh at you.” or when you’re having lunch. You chose what you really wanted and are happy about your decision, and then the voice comes again “Why are you even eating that? If you eat like this you have no right to feel bad about being fat.” or after putting some make-up “Take that off, you look like a clown, it’s too much for you”.

What would you think of a person who tells that kind if things to other people? What if it’s always to the same person? That would be bullying, wouldn’t it? And we know how much bullying damages other people.

What if it was you doing it to yourself? Would you treat other people like that? Would you bully other people?

Of course you wouldn’t (well, that’s what I hope). And if you wouldn’t do it to other people why would you do it to yourself?

I know. We’ve done it for so long we’ve come to accept it’s part of how we think, we’ve come to think we deserve it. We just don’t know how to stop. But here are a few tips that may help you, maybe not to stop but to make things easier:

• Recognize the mean voice: Whenever you’re thinking one of those awfully mean things, recognize it. Yes, it sounds easy but when you’re so used to living with that voice in your head it gets a bit tricky. Do the exercise of noticing when it pops-up.
• Separate it from yourself: Start taking that voice as an intruder in your head. Acknowledge it, don’t ignore or fight it (that only adds more stress), just recognize that it is there and it doesn’t belong to you. It’s not how you really think or how you want to think. Remember that we are not our thoughts.
• Let it go: Once you’ve done that choose to think about something else, choose to focus on something else. By doing this your taking away the power these thoughts had over you. They will be just that, thoughts. Not voices that rule your daily decisions and make you diet, not dress the way you want to or even binge as punishment.

 

Will they disappear from one day to another? Of course not, our brains are used to sending them because we’ve acted upon them for so long. But if we stop acting on them, they will slowly start popping-up less. And we will have more headspace to connect with ourselves. Our brains learn, and they will understand that those signals they’ve sent for so long, just have no use anymore.

If you do this please take the time to notice how better life is when you don’t have a bully in your head. How freer you feel, how good it is. Slowly start trying to practice kindness towards yourself. Start figuring out who you really are without those voices tormeting you.

You don’t have to stare at yourself in the mirror and scream “I LOVE MYSELF SOOO MUUUUCH” until you believe it. But you can allow yourself to buy that videogame you’ve wanted for a while, or enjoy the cup of tea you like so much, you can just sleep for four hours if you’re tired (just don’t blame me if you can’t sleep at night afterwards), or spend a whole afternoon doing “nothing productive”.

You’re not a machine and you don’t have to keep accomplishing things in order to be valuable.

So start treating yourself the way you’d treat a loved one. Listen to yourself, if you’re bingeing it’s not because you’re a failure or you’re “so lazy and lack willpower”. It’s because your body is trying to tell you something, it’s crying for help. If you heard a baby crying would tell them to shut up? I thought so. Listen to yourself and allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling because your experience is as valid as anyone else’s.

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I hope you find these tips helpful, they have really made things easier for me lately, and though I’m not counting my binge-free days anymore (adds-up to the anxiety), I know it’s been about three or four weeks since I last did it, so, it’s working 🙂

(and it may work for you too!)

Please take care of yourself!

Pol

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A New Try

So… I could come here preaching about how I’ve found my way back into recovery and how I have so clear on my mind what to do to stop bingeing.

I could just say “I’ve been through a rough time lately but now I’m doing good!”. But what would be the point of it?

The truth is that I relapsed badly, I started bingeing again almost like I used to and thanks to an injury I’ve had to stop working out so it’s been getting harder for me to deal with my stress.

Well I don’t remember if I mentioned this before but I was trying to apply to medical school… And I got rejected. So you can tell I’ve been pretty successful lately.

I guess I needed a break from blogging, social media and even a break from recovery. A break from trying too hard. I’ve been feeling like I was trying too hard to be an “example” of what recovery is, just trying too badly to do everything well. Typical me.

And in the end there are a lot of ways to recover, there really isn’t one failproof way that’s going to fix every eating disorder in the world. Not at all.

At first I just stopped my therapy and taking my meds, eventually I started overeating and then bingeing again. A part of me thought that maybe this time I could do it on my own, the other part was just rebelling (I think). I was probably using food to hide my frustration at not being accepted into med school, at having to decide between studying a career I didn’t like or having to prepare the stupid test for a whole other year.

I managed to accept that I couldn’t do it on my own. Yes, a lot of people have overcome BED on their own by reading books, meditating, or by eating intuitively. But that’s not me, what really works for me is therapy and a flexible meal plan that gives me structure. So I’m going to try that again but without meds this time.

I’m sorry I’ve been neglecting my blog and instagram, I can’t really promise that I will posten more often. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. I just want to stop trying to be so perfect and start trying to be more human, or well, more like myself.

I hope you’re doing well 🙂

Pol

#thestruggleisreal

After a few posts with no mention of my ED, I’m writing one about only that topic. If you follow me on instagram you may know I haven’t been doing very well lately, so as usual, I started posting less often and ultimately decided to take a break from my recovery account.

I’m the kind of person who finds it very hard to share her struggles. Some people like venting (nothing wrong with that) and talking about their problems, I’m just not like that. It’s not that I’m hiding anything or lying to you, I just don’t really feel like sharing anything at all when I’m not well, not until I find a solution.

I want you to know that I relapsed badly on my binge eating during this month. I had real binges and frecuent episodes of overeating. I went completely out of control, and that’s the problem. No matter how hard I tried, I just kept unconsciously trying to restrict. I kept trying to be in absolute control of my eating and my body. I kept checking if I had eaten too many carbs, compensating. Forbidding myself foods, only letting myself eat some kinds of them. So eventually all that resriction firebacked. And I ended up bingeing again. I kept cooking some delicious dishes that I love to other people, intending not to eat them, because of course I didn’t “deserve” them. Somehow in my twisted mind I just couldn’t take the risk of gaining weight because it meant I would be less worthy. Naturally I ended up bingeing on those foods, and hating myself for it. I felt like I was in an eternal diet, and that wasn’t the original plan.

Almost unconsciously, I started restricting my food again in order to compensate. And I ended up bingeing again. After lots of tears and “I’ll never do this again”s I figured something had to change. I decided that I neded a radical change of mindset. Instead of keeping my mind stuck in the “eating x amount of carbs and fat a day” I needed to switch to a different, healthier one.

I have to say, that when you’ve done so well for a long time (I had about 9 binge-free months, maybe more) relapsing really, really sucks. It makes you feel like you’re never really going to heal. Or that maybe it was all a dream and you eventually had to wake up. But the truth is that for as long as I didn’t find my answer, what really worked for me and healed my relationship with food and my body and I wasn’t getting anywhere.

So I started searching for answers. I’ve said before that intuitive eating didn’t work for me, and maybe I wasn’t ready (or maybe I wasn’t ready to let go of the “control” I had by then). But maybe this time it would. If I was going to do this thing, I had to do it well.

Someone recommended me to read the books Gennen Roth wrote about emotional and bigne eating. Since I live in Chile and I don’t have full access to buying all the eBooks I want, I picked the one that sounded the most appropiate “Breaking Free from Emotional Eating”. I crossed my fingers hoping it wasn’t bullshit. And it was not. In fact it’s being a great read, it has consistent arguments and it really makes you analyze the way you eat, the things that apparently don’t make sense (but that ultimately have a purpose) and a lot more. It’s really changing the way I behave and feel around food.

(Yes, this is my recommendation to you to read this book.)

From one day to another I started ignoring all the rules I had been self-imposing for so long. And well, the first days were CRAZY, I wanted to eat nothing but sweets and chocolate. It was like “woah I really want to have a lot of chocolate for my afternoon snack, ok let’s do it” or “I want to have lots of cereals for dinner, ok I’ll do it”. I started eating what I wanted BUT when I was hungry and until I was full (that is the hardest part). While during the first days all I wanted to do was eating all the things that were before forbidden to me as the days went by it started becoming easier and easier to listen to what my body really wanted.

I’m eating a lot more than before, yes. But this process has been really freeing from my restrictive and very punishing old mindset. I will probably gain weight (I have probably gained already), but it’s time I understand that choosing to be thin instead of being at peace with myself is a very sick decision. It’s time for me to grow-up and embrace who I am instead of wanting to change everything about me all the time.

It’s time to finally understand that I’m not becoming less-worthy of anything if I gain a few pounds and that I’m allowed to let my weight fluctuate like a “normal” person does.

I’ve said it a hundred times but it’s time to act like it: my self worth isn’t measured in numbers.

Pol

Guess Who Won’t Be Able To Walk Tomorrow!

Soooo… I said in a few posts on my instagram (and on my last post here too) that I was  joining a gym. I had planned do this for a long time but never really came to take the decision until about a week ago. Since this is something you actually have to pay for -and it’s not cheap- in the moment I signed the contract I knew I should use this membership the most I could. So that’s what I’m trying to do.

(I need to say that this is my first serious attempt to get strong in my life, so I was -and still am- pretty clueless in the gym).

I first had an appointment with one of the instructors. He weighed me, took some measures and then asked me what my goals were. The truth is that I had no concrete goals like “I want to have a flat stomach” or “I want to lose weight”, so I just said I wanted to get fitter and stronger than I am today because I may be on a healthy weight but I’m out shape. I also really want to have better energy levels and sleep better. I am the person who falls asleep on the afternoon and then has a hard time closing her eyes at night, if you’re like me then you know #thestruggleisreal.

Before they gave me my own routine I used the elliptical -a very fancy one by the way- which was alright -with alright I mean that I was able to do a workout without losing my patience while using that machine-.

I was very happy when they taught me how to do my strenght training exercises. It was something I had never done before with proper orientation and for some reason I just enjoy it, it’s not just the good feeling you get after exercising, I actually liked the training itself.

My routine (leg extensions, upper back exercises, some abs exercises with a fitball and other things) is a little short because I’m just startint, but the good thing is that it’s hard enough for me to feel like I’m working, but it’s also easy enough for me so it doesn’t feel like a punishment.

My instructor also told me I could switch the routine for a TRX class if I didn’t feel like doing the same thing some days, and that I can switch the cardio (mostly elliptical) for a class if I want to. Now I clearly see that I’m not a cardio person, unless it involves dancing, but I will still try the classes my gym has because, why not? (Also because I’m paying but let’s forget I just said that).

 

Anecdotes, or something:

– After my first day at the gym I went to the dressing room to take a shower and change my clothes and well, all I’m going to say is that I wasn’t prepared for all that information *laughing emoji*. Leavin the surprise aside, I really liked that most of the people who go to my gym don’t go hiding their bodies. It’s great seeing self-acceptance and how they don’t care at all about how you look.

– The other day I went to an aquaerobics class, I thought I wouldn’t need anything special so I just went wearing my new bikini (I know, I know). This was a rookie mistake, I was worried all the time about my, um, boobs, because all they wanted to do was to escape from all the opression during the exercise. Lesson learned, next time I’ll wear a sportive bathing suit (I actually bought one today, so problem solved).

– Remember I wrote a post some time ago saying that I went to a TRX class and enjoyed it? Well I went to another TRX class today and it kicked my butt to the point that after the class my legs felt like jelly and walking to my house (which is about three blocks away from the gym) was really difficult. The good thing is that I will get stronger!

 

So that’s it for today, another happy post with no mention of my ED 🙂 I’ll keep telling how my fitness adventure goes and I’ll post some pictures of myself wearing my gym costumes (it’s an obligation, isn’t it?).

Pol

 

 

(Mostly) Irrelevant Things That Made Me Happy This Weekend

I’m really into long titles for my posts lately… Hmmm…

Hi there! So today I’m writing a post for the sole purpose of writing. Exciting, right?

I’m in a very good mood after this weekend because of -mostly- irrelevant things that made happy.

After a long time of doubts, I finally joined a gym yesterday. And I’m really excited about starting! I will have an appointment with one of the instructors tomorrow, they’ll evaluate me and create a personalized routine for me. Since my goal is to get stronger I hope they put lifts and/or strenght exercises there (besides, those are the ones I enjoy the most).

I had been delaying this for such a long time. I’m happy that at last I’m going to make a real change with my sedentarism.

One of the things I really liked about this gym is that one of the goals they have is making people understand that diets are uneffective and that the best way to go is living a healthy lifestyle (now that’s what they say, I really hope the instructors follow those headlines, I’ll see tomorrow). So, I’ll be telling how it goes!

 

Irrelevant things that made me happy this weekend:

– I bought a new bikini that fits me very well and makes me feel comfortable (I’m not very used to feeling well on a bikini, so it’s a win).

– I kept experimenting with my muffins’ “recipe” and made some dark chocolate banana muffins that tasted reeaally good and satisfied my demading sweet tooth.

– My bedroom is very small and it used to look too-full-of-furniture. Today I moved my bed and night table and the way the room looked changed drastically, it gives the illusion that there’s more space than there actually is. And it makes me irrationally happy.

– I also put my shoes in their order (they are usually messy in my closet), I will now be able to find my sneakers without having to dig in a pile of other shoes *insert laughing emoji here*.

The said bikini

 

Well, that’s mostly it. I guess I’m just feeling pretty optimistic about things right now, and that’s good. It’s nice being able to see that it is possible to overcome a relapse and that it really doesn’t erase the progress we make.

(I actually wrote a whole post without any mention to binge urges!)

Pol

How I Made My Sugar-Free, Oat Carrot Muffins (Basically Because I Can’t Call This Post A Recipe)

Ridiculously long name for the post, sorry not sorry, I really wanted to call it like that.

So… After my relapse I took the decision that I would start preparing tastier meals. Everytime I work harder on my cooking I stop having so many cravings because the food tastes better, I also really enjoy cooking, it’s one of my favorite hobbies.

I love sweet things. Muffins, cheesecakes, cereals, gummies, my cravings demand anything sugary really. If it was for me I would probably choose sweet foods all the time. But.. that’s not healthy -physically or mentally-. So in order to keep my sweet tooth satisfied while eating something healthy at the same time I started looking for sugar-free recipes for muffins on the interwebz, and I didn’t find any one that satisfied me (or any in which I had all the ingredients).

So, after reading many recipes and remembering my experiences with baking, I decided I would just throw some ingredients and see how it worked (and it worked!).

Ingredients I used:

– 2 cups of oats (they included chia, sesame and poppy seeds, but that’s not necessary).

– 2 teaspoons baking powder

– 1 teaspoon baking soda

– 2 teaspoons cinnamon

– 1 teaspoon grated fresh ginger

– 2 eggs

– I cup non-fat milk

– 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

– 1 medium grated carrot

– 30ml/1 tablespoon liquid stevia (if you don’t want your muffins too sweet you can add the sweetner by parts and try a little bit of the mixture until you reach your desired level of sweetness)

 

This is what I did –or instructions-:

1.Preheated the oven at 180º Celsius or 350ºFarenheit.

3. Grounded two cups of oatmeal to use instead of flour. I used my blender, but I know a food processor can be used (it was really easy). However, you can still just buy oat flour to avoid this part.

4. Added the baking powder and the baking soda, mixed it all well with the flour.

5. Put on my blender the wet ingredients: the eggs, the milk and the liquid stevia. If you use liquid stevia or any liquid sweetner make sure you don’t skip this part, otherwise the muffins won’t come out evenly sweet.

6. Went crazy with the spices. Added the cinnamon and ginger to the dry ingredients and one teaspoon of vanilla extract to the wet ingredients.

7. Added the grated carrot to the dry ingredients.

8. Mixed everything. At first it looked too runny but after some strokes it took consistency.

9. Put some oil on the muffins pan, and then poured the mixture in it (I sucked at it and my muffins had very different size between them).

10. Put them in the oven for 15 minutes, and that was it. They were done. Remember that every oven is different so you want to keep an eye on the muffins, if you’re not sure they are done, you can use the toothpick method.

 

And this is how they turned out 🙂

they are kinda little but we shouldn’t judge by size, right?

At first I was kinda scared to try them, I honestly thought they would taste bad but they were actually very nice and moist. Also the spices added a very nice flavor. The texture was very “oaty” but it still felt like a muffin.

What I like about this “recipe” is that I can basically turn it into any oat muffin by replacing the carrot with other fruits and changing the spices. I want to try making some apple muffins tonight ;).

I hope this is useful for any of you!

 

Pol

Not-So-Nice-January

Hi guys! I know I’ve been awfully missing in action lately, and I don’t really have a reason for it. I guess it’s really hard for to me accept when I’m not doing well, it’s way easier (and nicer) talking when I’m doing well, but I’ve figured it’s time for me to admit my mistakes and talk about them.

Let’s say that January wasn’t very kind with me. First because I received the results of my application to university, and even when everything seemed to indicate I was going to be accepted at medical school… I was not. I admit that it was very painful to get those results, it was hard understanding that I won’t be able to start studying what I wanted to this year and that I will have to try again. For now I’ll be studying nursery and I’ll try to be admitted to med school again. Also, a few week ago I was robbed for the first time, thankfully, nothing serious happened to me but it still sucked. The feeling of insecurity after having your things stolen from you is not nice.

And about my eating things haven’t been going well. Saying this is really hard for me but from the start I promised to myself I would be honest on this blog. I relapsed.

There were moments during my recovery that I felt like I was never going to relapse, sometimes I felt like I had beaten binge eating for good and that it was never coming back to me. I thought I would have to work really hard for some time and that after doing it I would never have to worry again (naive, I know). And as you can guess, I was wrong.

But deep inside, I feared a relapse more than anything because I thought it would mean I’d lose all my progress and that I’d have to start form zero, or worse, that maybe I could never get back on track again (black and white thinking again?).

I expected hard days, I expected my weight to fluctuate (like it does in “normal” people), but I didn’t expect to binge again, not after having to face even restriction urges.

Now looking back, I can tell that it was actually something really likely to happen. Compulsive overeating had been present for so long in my life that it couldn’t really be that easy to stop doing it.

I was doing very well again, having almost no binge urges, eating mostly healthily. But then I went on vacations. By then I took the decision that I would start trying to eat intuitively, I felt ready. It was something I  thought I had to do. But I rushed it. My “mindful eating” slowly started turning to over-indulging more often than before. I didn’t really notice (or didn’t want to) until one night I wanted to eat chocolate and couldn’t stop after the first one, so I had another, and another, and another until I “woke up” and figured that I had lost control. I couldn’t really stop because I didn’t see it coming, but the signs had been there for a while. Self-sabbotage is a hard thing to beat for me.

After that I had a couple of weeks of over-indulging and about two days ago a big binge.

What I can see now is that I wasn’t ready to start eating intuitively by then. I still think it is the best way to go, or the way I’d love to eat. But for the time being, I’ll stick to a flexible meal plan and I’ll just see how it goes. It may not be the best thing, but it gives me the structure I need not to lose control and the flexibility I need not to get bored. I will also start working more on my daily meals, I’ll try to cook nice and healthy things so I can keep my cravings at bay.

I’ll see how it goes, maybe I’ll flexibilize certain aspects of my eating on the go as I was doing some months ago. But slowly.

I may or may not be prepared in the future to eat intuitively, but I just won’t worry about it anymore. I’ll do what I know works for me right now. I’ll try to stop focusing on food as much as I can too, I want to start unattaching my identity with my eating disorder. I believe that’s going to help me at this point. I need to work on my self-esteem and “sticking” to my ED is not going to help.

I’m going to enjoy my life with or without an eating disorder.

 

Pol

 

Last Post Of The Year!

I should start thinking about how this year was, shouldn’t I? The good and the bad, what I accomplished and what I didn’t, etc.

So, here I am, with my little last post of the year.

What can I really say? 2015 was basically for me a year of lots changes. Some of them were definitely good, and some others, only time will tell. But I started my treatment this year and I’d say that’s what characterized it.

On January 1st 2015 I had two main goals in mind: to stop bingeing and losing weight. I remember I was celebrating with my friends while I thought about those two things.

My obsession with food and body-image had taken control of my life, they were almost the only things I thought about. I wanted to be thinner, I want to restrict my food, and of course I’d have massive binges after that. So it was an awful vicious cycle.

I wasn’t really happy with the career I was studying, I liked it but I couldn’t really see myself working as an anthropologist, and also my mind was all over the place, on getting better, on losing weight, on bingeing. My head was everywhere… everywhere but my studies.

So I got to a point in which I had to take a decision: I would pause my studies so I could decide what I wanted to work on in the future. And I was going to start a treatment for my eating disorder. Those were big changes but I knew I couldn’t keep going the way I was. I was trapped in a vicious cycle that I didn’t know how to break. More than something I wanted to do, it was a need.

I left university, with all the consequences that decision brought (I stopped seeing my friends that often, I started spending a lot more of the time by myself), I started studying to take the test to enter University in case I wanted to apply to another career and I found professional help.

In the beginning it was hard. The treatment scared me from many points of view. I had to follow a meal plan that I thought was “too caloric” and I was starting to take antidepressants and other pills for the first time. I also was afraid that my decision of leaving university wasn’t a good one and I felt pretty lonely.

But as the months passed I started feeling calmer, I started to discover that I wanted to study something related with health and I stopped bingeing. It seemed that the decision of pausing my studies and giving myself some time was a good one.

 

Today, the 31st of december, 2015 I have been 239 days binge-free, that’s about 8 months. As a consequence of that I lost 19,8 pounds. Curiously I achieved the two big goals I had at the beginning of this year when they stopped being my focus in life. I accomplished that when I focused on recovering.

I will never be able to spend time with my friends from university as I used to do, not even if I return to my old career. But thanks to that decision I have now a mental health, that while is not perfect, is much better than the one I had before. Maybe what I chose to study now is too hard and stressing, or worse, I may not like it when I start the course. But that’s what I want to try now and the truth is that I’m pretty excited.

Maybe “I didn’t do anything” related to my studies this year, but I did a lot for myself.

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So my goals for 2016 are…

• Working hard at university: I’m going to start studying a new career and now that my mind is a lot more focused than it used to be, I want to find a method to study that works for me so I can learn as much as possible.
• Exercising more: I always, always have this as a goal and I rarely manage to make it. This time I really want to become more active because of the benefits it will bring to my health. So as I said in a previous post I want to join a gym to start working out constantly.
• Accepting my body the it is: Though I’m much better than I used to be, comparing myself to others and criticizing myself too much are two things that keep bothering me a lot. I’d like to overcome that this new year, so I can accept my body the way it is at last.
• Strengthening my self-esteem: This is something I really want to accomplish on this new year, although I’m not really sure how I’m going to do it yet I will focus a lot on it. I want to read books and make a little collection with the things I think work the best to get a stronger self-esteem.
• Being more organized: This may not have a lot to do with the things I last wrote but I really, really want to be more organized in all senses. With my studies, with my stuff, etc. A tidy room helps me having a good mood, so I want it to become an unbreakable habit (also that will help me having a prettier room).

So these are my goals for the next year, I really hope I can achieve them. I think it is possible 🙂

I hope you all have a happy new year, that you have fun and that you can start 2016 with all the good vibes.

See you on the other side,

Pol

My First Christmas Being In Recovery

 

So… Right now it’s 4:09 AM in Chile, and I’m inspired. And for good or bad, when I’m inspired I just HAVE to do what I have in mind, which right now is writing.

This season is a hard one for people with eating disorders. Facing a celebration that focuses so much on food can be pretty challenging, wether you are fighting not to restrict, not to binge, or not to fall into any compulsive behaviors. These celebrations put us on uncomfortable positions as they involve a lot of food and social meetings.

I remember when I was a child eating wasn’t a struggle. By then Christmas was magic for me, I enjoyed every moment. My family and I are not religious but we always celebrate it anyways. Those days when eating intuitively was something natural for me are now long gone.

In the last few years, the magic of Christmas was clouded by my eating disorder. I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy the celebrations at all, but I was constantly worried about eating too little and to being able to try everything there was in the table, or about bingeing, or about wanting to restrict without anyone noticing. Worrying about food was one of the most important things during the season. Let’s say it was a radio I couldn’t stop obeying.

Enjoying more my social life was one of the things that motivated me to start recovering, and I always knew that these kind of celebrations would be like ‘tests’ of how strong the ED still was in me.

I can say that last night, christmas eve, was a very nice night. I met with my family, we had dinner and then we exchanged presents. I enjoyed it all fully, but if I said there weren’t difficult moments I would be lying.

Let’s go back to the bad radio metaphor. This time the ED transmission had a lower volume, but it was still there, only that I consciously didn’t fight it back. I just chose to do whatever the hell I wanted to do, in spite of what my ED told me. 

So I enjoyed the celebration a lot, and most of the time I didn’t worry about food, I enjoyed the company of my family (and my two adorable nephews) and whenever an ED thought came to my mind, I just didn’t obey. Since this is what I usually do to fight my urges to binge/restrict/whatever compulsive behavior comes to my mind, it wasn’t very difficult. The ED thoughts ended up fading away. 

At last Christmas wasn’t clouded by my eating disorder.

No, I’m not completely recovered. But in these eight months I’ve been recovering, my quality of life has improved drastically. I’m really happy I can look back and see how much things have changed for me, how better I am. Sometimes is easy to forget the progress I’ve made. Sometimes I feel like I’m still very disordered and things are getting better too slowly, but the truth is that looking at the bigger picture I’m doing really well, and the way I felt yesterday proved it.

What else can I say? I wouldn’t really be enjoying my life as I am doing right now if it weren’t for my decision to recover. I wouldn’t be able to see the things I’m seeing now. I wouldn’t be able to see past the calories, past the body shapes or past the eating habits of me and the people surrounding me. And I wouldn’t be able to see myself at all.

Maybe I still see myself a little distorted, but at least I can now see myself. I can see who I am. And believe me, it feels really good.

I hope you are all enjoying your holidays ♡ and remember, if you aren’t, it’s ok. You don’t have to fake anything, just take care of yourself and try to be as comfortable as possible. Things will get better.

Pol

and I received a BB-8 plushie!! ❤