Oh I know I neglect my blog, sorry about that. I should probably post more often but the truth is that whenever I think about writing a post it feels like something I have to do. For some reason I feel like I set a specific tone in this blog and know I’m kinda trapped in it.
With this I mean that I became very self-demanding (as usual) and started caring too much about making good quality posts, so whenever I wanted to write something “lighter” or maybe a little more personal I started having this “it won’t be good enough feeling”.
I had been writing very elaborate posts, and I actually feel very good about them. There was also a good amount of work behind them (also English isn’t my first language so I keep debating if what I wrote makes sense or not). I felt like I had to keep publishing stuff like that, when sometimes all I really wanted to do was to vent, or communicating silly things. It was like this blog wasn’t mine anymore you know, like I had committed to a job that I loved but became a little overwhelming.
Don’t get me wrong though, I DO love posting about eating disorders and mental health, and whenever someone tells me my posts have helped them I feel very fullfilled. I’ve learned that making a problem visible is really helpful, especially when we’re talking about an eating disorder that’s been hidden under the carpet (and minimized) for so long.
It’s just that falling into the mindset of trying to please everybody, or trying to “be enough” is just too easy for me.
But I’m trying really, really hard not to be so self-demanding. I’m learning that I’m not in control of everything, that being who I am is ok, that some days I’m just not going to check every item on my to do list. I’m learning that I have needs too, and that it’s absolutely valid for me to let people know what I need and want.
So, moving on to another topic… I’ve been doing really well on my recovery lately. I’m happy to say that I haven’t had a major binge since June, although I have had some overeating episodes. I’m not doing perfectly though, when it comes to how I’m eating right now, I was probably doing “better” last year (AKA “healthier”).
But the one thing I’m really proud of is that I’m absolutely off my meds. I’m not taking any kind of antidepressant right now, nor any kind of drug that makes it a bit easier to recover.
I swear, I used to be absolutely and completely convinced that I would never be able to recover without my meds. I used to think that I just “didn’t have in me” to recover without chemical help. But here I am today, and now I see how wrong I was.
(I’m not saying that I’m recovered though, but I have come very far in spite of not being medicated)
I also see that I’m not even that special, anyone do this! And there’s not one correct way to recover! There are many ways! It’s just about finding what works for you and sticking to it. I am a firm believer in neuroplasticity (in very simple words: the ability our brains have to change). So we have to keep trying until we find our path, and then: REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT 😉
I will be writing a post about how I’m dealing with my eating disorder without medication, and about the tools that have helped me the most in this new stage of my recovery. I will probably post more often, and about different things (recipes, personal stuff, etc)… So let’s see how that works out.
(As I type this I’m feeling HUGE anxiety about this post not being good enough, but you know what? I’m publishing it anyways.)
Sending all the good vibes,
Pol
Pol Is Live ! 